Postpartum Depression and Anxiety: The Day I Broke Down

The day before my 30th birthday was really rough. I was 6 months postpartum and had been back to work only 3 months. I was exhausted, but I had no idea I was dealing with postpartum depression. My daughter, NJ, was still nursing and NOT sleeping through the night. My husband and I were working opposite shifts because we had spotty childcare and were very selective with whom we wanted to watch NJ.

Hard Realizations 

I was extremely stressed out. Work was picking up for me. I consistently asked for more work, thinking I could handle it. I quickly realized two things:

1. Pumping 3x a day at work to keep my milk supply up was NOT easy. Stress, pain and sometimes wet stains on my shirt were consequences of missing my time slot.

2. I was so used to staying/working late to get ahead/meet deadlines and that wasn’t possible anymore. I had to race home to relieve my husband from baby duty so he could head to work. Whatever I didn’t finish had to wait until the next morning. Once home, the baby and trying to shower or sleep completely occupied my time.

Although I was still meeting deadlines, my dip in efficiency felt gut-wrenching. I was worried sick about how I’d be perceived at work. I’d heard so much gossip from day 1 about who was and who wasn’t a “strong accountant”. I didn’t want anyone talking about me.

Worry + Panic

I was worried about my efficiency at work. Worried about my perception as a new mom. Was stepping off every 2-3 hours to pump for 45 minutes (30 minutes pumping 10-15 minutes cleaning the materials, labeling, and bagging milk) reallllllly ok? Could they tell I was exhausted and did it matter? Was I being a good mom going back to work? Was supplementing with formula ok once my milk started to dip? Was I getting enough time with NJ? I’d get home, feed her, bathe her, and then it was bedtime. So many thoughts were running through my mind. I felt completely inadequate and I wanted to give up in every way you can imagine.

I started to feel it in my stomach first. Aches. Knots. Turning.

Then I’d cry. All through the night. Especially if the baby was crying non-stop. On the way to work. On the way home. While pumping. All the time. Tears.

Then the headaches. Good morning and good night headaches.

Then the panic attacks. In the middle of the night. Driving home from work. I’d literally run to Oj’s arms to be cradled.

Life was so gloomy. It’s realllllly difficult for me to share, but I dreaded waking up and I thought about death A LOT. My death…NJ’s death. Recalling it all makes me want to sob. I felt like I was falling apart like I was losing my mind.

I’d been attending therapy regularly since 2016 and in one of our sessions she mentioned “postpartum depression and anxiety”. I know for sure I didn’t process what she was saying. I didn’t understand. Postpartum depression was just something I had seen vaguely portrayed in movies.  If I’m truthful, I’d felt sad most of my life. And though this was markedly different…I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

When It All Falls Down

That brings us back to 8/7/19. I remember waking up thinking “let me just get through today”. My birthday was the next day and I was going to be out for a few days. I got dressed…barely. I think I even wore sneakers and one of my husband’s undershirts under a cardigan or something. Our dress code is definitely business casual…that’s how you KNOW I was out of it.

I don’t really remember too much of what happened during the day. I remember pumping and feeling like I couldn’t take one more stressor… like if someone so much as blew on me, I’d shatter into a gazillion pieces. I texted my girl’s chat and my husband an SOS for prayer. Came downstairs went to my laptop and I just remember emails darting in. One after another. Then my husband texted me that he was downstairs to cheer me up. I gently closed my laptop and headed downstairs. As I walked to his car, I felt myself unraveling with each step.

By the time I sat in the passenger seat, I was completely undone. Hyperventilating. My face was numb. Tears were flowing. I felt like water in a colander…trying so hard to gather myself, instead of pouring out of every perforated hole my distress had caused.

It just so happened that my best friend snuck her way upstairs to surprise me with gifts for my birthday. She was texting and calling me and I told her to grab my stuff and meet me downstairs. She came to surprise me but was in fact surprised herself to see me in such a state.

None of us really knew what to do as none of us had ever been exposed to someone with postpartum depression – and definitely not in crisis. We called my doctors and eventually ended up at a crisis center nearby. While there, I had two more panic attacks and followed up with my primary at the hospital.

Thinking about how much time had passed since I abruptly left the office made me sick. I HAD SO MUCH WORK DUE! On the drive home, I remember crying and saying “maybe I should go back…I feel like I’m going to get in so much trouble”. My husband looked at me like I was nuts. He yelled “you’re not going back!” My best friend said the same.

Looking back, I can’t believe this was my utterance after reaching the lowest point in my life. There’s so much I can write about this statement, but we’ll save that for another time.

New Beginnings

Because of the symptoms, I described to my doctor, she gave me a note that had me out of work until further notice. She prescribed me some meds and referred me to a psychiatrist. In some ways, I view August 7th as the ending of something….the final breakdown….the moment I finally lost it. But 8 is the number of new beginnings. My life is riddled with them. And on my 30th birthday, 8/8/2019 – still very much in the height of depression and anxiety…a newness demanded its place in my life.

And so, this blog, Victoria Ani was born. It is my pleasure to share my experiences and learnings with you.  I pray to esteem, uplift, encourage and educate on this platform. I love it here already, and I know you will too!

I’ve done a lot of research around what happened to me and one thing I learned was that the products we use and food we eat can play a major role when dealing with postpartum depression. Check out my blog on 3 Easy Non-Toxic Product swaps you can make to start living a healthier life!